I am asking these same questions. It’s been around 5 years since I took that little pill and I have not been well. Will it pass when I’m done being postpartum? Breastfeeding and such? Only time will tell. But there is a cost on both sides of the aisle. So much give and take, things to consider. How do we heal? Can we heal? How much stress on the body is too much so it’s causing other health issues? And God, why?
This may be totally inappropriate for a comment so feel free to delete if you want. Have you ever looked into OCD? I’m only asking because of the intrusive thoughts. (And the comment about the chalk.) When I went to a counselor to address my intrusive thoughts, she asked where they fit into my OCD cycle. I thought she was crazy. After some research, turns out I actually have OCD but had no idea what OCD was. It sucks, but it also helps to actually have something to fight rather than being at the mercy of my mind. It makes me feel less alone. Also, some counselors don’t even know what real OCD is so I’m grateful to have found one who actually pinpointed the intrusive thoughts. Again: feel free to delete this. lol.
This is thoughtful and lovely. My pill is blue but I ask the same questions. I’m better to my husband, my children, and myself when I take it. And I’ve finally found one without unbearable side effects. Sometimes it still feels like I’m cheating. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really be on it for the rest of my life. But I’m making peace for now.
Thank you for reading, Tavia! Goodness I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same thought that “it feels like I’m cheating.” But I do think some people genuinely need this type of support and there is no shame in that. My plan is to wean off eventually but for now I’m feeling good on my half dose. I’m glad you are finding peace with yours as well!
I feel this so much! I also relate to the idea that medication might actually allow us to feel and experience life more deeply, vs. smoothing things over/numbing us, which I think is a cultural message sometimes.
I've been on a journey with antidepressants since I was diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 2 (yes, it was a tragically late diagnosis). The first one I tried helped restore me to myself but also took away some pretty important things, too, so I tried to go off them cold turkey--yikes! Then I had a psychiatric nurse practitioner help me wean off of them. Then a couple years later the depression came back and even though I found a better medication fit for me this time, I had to go through the whole thing again of wondering if this was a crutch? Was I just not grateful enough? What was wrong with me that I couldn't just deal with a normal life without medication? Thankfully, over time, I've been able to accept that my brain chemistry needs some support, just like a diabetic might need insulin support. They aren't a failure and neither am I.
Wow thank you for sharing this, Joy. I’ve tried to go off mine cold turkey as well and it was miserable!! And I have also thought this many times myself: “What was wrong with me that I couldn't just deal with a normal life without medication?” It’s funny you mention the diabetes analogy because my husband is a type 1 diabetic and he often says the same thing to me! ❤️
Megan thank you so much for writing and sharing this. Your words are a masterpiece of vulnerability and an invitation to ask those profound questions. 🤎
“The human condition begs a question of each of us: Will we plumb the depths of life, or skim its smooth surface? What if, in order to survive the depths, some of us need the smooth surface of a medication?” Incredible writing. And every word of this is so timely and relatable for me, I have so much to say you can expect an essay length reply in WhatsApp form. 🤪
I am asking these same questions. It’s been around 5 years since I took that little pill and I have not been well. Will it pass when I’m done being postpartum? Breastfeeding and such? Only time will tell. But there is a cost on both sides of the aisle. So much give and take, things to consider. How do we heal? Can we heal? How much stress on the body is too much so it’s causing other health issues? And God, why?
Love these words.
Yes Shelbie you get me!!! I’m wrestling with these things as well. You’re not alone ❤️
This may be totally inappropriate for a comment so feel free to delete if you want. Have you ever looked into OCD? I’m only asking because of the intrusive thoughts. (And the comment about the chalk.) When I went to a counselor to address my intrusive thoughts, she asked where they fit into my OCD cycle. I thought she was crazy. After some research, turns out I actually have OCD but had no idea what OCD was. It sucks, but it also helps to actually have something to fight rather than being at the mercy of my mind. It makes me feel less alone. Also, some counselors don’t even know what real OCD is so I’m grateful to have found one who actually pinpointed the intrusive thoughts. Again: feel free to delete this. lol.
Ohh interesting! No I haven’t!! My goal for next year is to get back to seeing a counselor, so I will have to ask her about this!
That’s a great goal! Postpartum support international has a great database of counselors! God led me to a Christian, too. I’m so grateful.
This is thoughtful and lovely. My pill is blue but I ask the same questions. I’m better to my husband, my children, and myself when I take it. And I’ve finally found one without unbearable side effects. Sometimes it still feels like I’m cheating. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really be on it for the rest of my life. But I’m making peace for now.
Thank you for reading, Tavia! Goodness I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same thought that “it feels like I’m cheating.” But I do think some people genuinely need this type of support and there is no shame in that. My plan is to wean off eventually but for now I’m feeling good on my half dose. I’m glad you are finding peace with yours as well!
I feel this so much! I also relate to the idea that medication might actually allow us to feel and experience life more deeply, vs. smoothing things over/numbing us, which I think is a cultural message sometimes.
I've been on a journey with antidepressants since I was diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 2 (yes, it was a tragically late diagnosis). The first one I tried helped restore me to myself but also took away some pretty important things, too, so I tried to go off them cold turkey--yikes! Then I had a psychiatric nurse practitioner help me wean off of them. Then a couple years later the depression came back and even though I found a better medication fit for me this time, I had to go through the whole thing again of wondering if this was a crutch? Was I just not grateful enough? What was wrong with me that I couldn't just deal with a normal life without medication? Thankfully, over time, I've been able to accept that my brain chemistry needs some support, just like a diabetic might need insulin support. They aren't a failure and neither am I.
Wow thank you for sharing this, Joy. I’ve tried to go off mine cold turkey as well and it was miserable!! And I have also thought this many times myself: “What was wrong with me that I couldn't just deal with a normal life without medication?” It’s funny you mention the diabetes analogy because my husband is a type 1 diabetic and he often says the same thing to me! ❤️
Wow so heartfelt and beautiful, Megan 💛
Thank you so much!
Beautiful, Megan. Thank you for sharing this <3
Thank you so much for reading, Becky <3
Oh, how I get this! Thank you for being vulnerable. I love your writing.
Thank you, Erin! It always helps to know I’m not alone!
Megan thank you so much for writing and sharing this. Your words are a masterpiece of vulnerability and an invitation to ask those profound questions. 🤎
Thank you friend!!! You are always so generous with your encouragement to me and it means so much ❤️
I love how you said so much in so few words. What powerful writing, my friend!
Thank you Kelsey! That hermit crab format really comes in clutch sometimes 😅
absolutely beautiful and raw. thank you for sharing this with us. your words are beautiful and what a gift that little round pill is.
Thank you so much for reading and for such a kind and encouraging comment 🥹
So beautiful and vulnerable. Thank you for writing 💗
Thank you for your kindness as always, Erin ❤️
Thanks for your words!
Thank you for reading, Kim!
“The human condition begs a question of each of us: Will we plumb the depths of life, or skim its smooth surface? What if, in order to survive the depths, some of us need the smooth surface of a medication?” Incredible writing. And every word of this is so timely and relatable for me, I have so much to say you can expect an essay length reply in WhatsApp form. 🤪
Thank you love. And you know I *live* for your WhatsApp essays! ❤️