Small white pill
Is it worth it?
Every night she takes a small white pill. Round and smooth, it sits like a miniscule pearl in the palm of her hand.
The first time she ever took this pill, she took it in the morning, and very nearly fell asleep at work. Now she knows to take it at night. Sleep has always been a struggle for her, but this pill helps her drift off peacefully.
It’s been two and a half years of taking the white pill every night. She doesn’t want to take it anymore—she wants to be free—but every time she stops, the sleepless nights come back. The intrusive thoughts come back. (If you are a mother, then you know the ones.)
She wonders—What if freedom comes at the price of continuing to take this pill?
She also wonders—What if it doesn’t have to?
This pill is inexpensive and accessible. It comes from the pharmacy in a plastic orange bottle tucked inside a small white package, which is stapled at the top with a receipt for $11.86.
When she was pregnant with her third child, the pharmacist asked her, “Do you know the risks associated with taking this medication during pregnancy?” He handed her a pamphlet and told her to call if she had any questions. The girl’s only question was, Is it worth it?
She sleeps better, dreams better, parents better. At the park last week, her oldest son mixed a stick of blue chalk with his own spit and painted himself with it. Her old self would have had a panic attack; her new self just laughed.
Her anxious tears are quelled, but so are her happy ones. Her angry bursts are fewer, but so are her creative ones.
The human condition begs a question of each of us: Will we plumb the depths of life, or skim its smooth surface? What if, in order to survive the depths, some of us need the smooth surface of a medication?
Tonight the girl will cut her pill in half, using a sharp silver knife to slice through the scored line down the middle. She will put it in her mouth and taste the slight bitterness on her tongue. She will sleep soundly at night, and wake in the morning, ready to begin again.
I am asking these same questions. It’s been around 5 years since I took that little pill and I have not been well. Will it pass when I’m done being postpartum? Breastfeeding and such? Only time will tell. But there is a cost on both sides of the aisle. So much give and take, things to consider. How do we heal? Can we heal? How much stress on the body is too much so it’s causing other health issues? And God, why?
Love these words.
This is thoughtful and lovely. My pill is blue but I ask the same questions. I’m better to my husband, my children, and myself when I take it. And I’ve finally found one without unbearable side effects. Sometimes it still feels like I’m cheating. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really be on it for the rest of my life. But I’m making peace for now.